Down down down down down~

I just feel so lonely,
so empty.
-END-




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Dikejar bayang-bayang koboi

Hairan
......

Kalau dulu tiada pula orang mau curi kuda aku,
mungkin sebab masa tu aku selalu dengan kuda aku,
tiada pula yang mau approach.

Dulu aku fikir mesti ramai yang mau curi kuda aku,
tapi bila sampai tiada pula rupanya.

Sekarang ni berlumba-lumba mau curi kuda aku,
pelbagai usaha,
bila aku jauh dengan kuda aku baru lah ramai yang cuba,
padahal kuda aku tu kan ada tag suda tu ada tuannya.

Aku ni pun bukannya rantai kuda aku sangat,
aku bagi juga dia jalan-jalan cari makan,
lari-lari, excerxise sikit,
tiada lah juga kena rantai kan?
Tapi bagus kuda aku tu,
ramai sudah koboi mau curi,
mau hijack dia,
tapi dia tetap setia.

Ala...koboi-koboi tu mau curi pun bukan sebab apa,
dorang mau tunggang kuda aku ja.
Well...
kuda mantap kan,
power lagi,
memang lah koboi-koboi sekalian mau try tunggang,
test power masing-masing!

Tapi sorry to say lah,
kamu try lah macam mana sekalipun wahai koboi-koboi sekalian,
kalau kamu berjaya kira ensem lah kamu tu,
mau tunggang kuda aku pun agak-agak la der...
Kamu kan kaya, maju suda,
tunggang ja lah motor,
lagi banyak kuda terkejar-kejar,
ni kuda aku juga kamu mau curi.

Kalau kuda aku tu yang mau dengan kamu,
apa boleh buat lah,
dapat lah kamu,
melepas lah aku.

*Aku pernah dengar ayat ni yang aku rasa sangat best: SEDANGKAN BOEING 737 PUN BOLEH KENA HIJACKED".
Tapi aku fikir balik, memang lah senang-senang boeing tu bertukar tuan, boeing mana dapat melawan. Jadi aku tukar sikit lah BOEING 737 tu jadi KUDA. Kuda ni kalau mau kena curi bukan senang, kalau koboi tu belum cukup ensem lagi mana dia mau tukar tuan, tetap setia. Cuba la koboi tu tunggang, ada kena sepak.

Well, jangan sampai aku jalan-jalan cari kuda bawa samurai OK?
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Allah Maha Besar

Good day,
it's a fine night,
my head is spinning,
have so much in my mind,
could not stop thinking,
everything's dancing in my head.

First of all,
family aku telah menerima satu berita yang sangat-sangat mengejutkan,
and biarlah pihak keluarga sahaja yang berkongsi tentang berita tersebut.

Sedih, teramat.
Terkejut, sangat.
Bersedia? Jauh sekali.
Takut, agak lah.

Secondly,
was thinking about my future,
takut untuk merancang,
takut memikirkan masa depan,
penuh dengan askar-askar yang ingin melihat kejatuhan kita semua,
harus ditempuh walaupun sukar.

Sekarang tengah praktikal,
not that fun,
not that hard,
a little boring,
tapi,
research report susah juga lah.

After praktikal degree complete,
what's next?
Was thinking about further study,
ambil Masters Degree di sana,
jauh,
mahal,
mana mampu,
plus not that advisable from my family,
so maybe Degree is good enough.

Masters is useful if I want to be a lecturer,
if I don't plan to be a lecturer,
then Degree is good enough.

Do I want to be a lecturer?
Yeap, used to have a plan to be one,
but still for the same reason,
financial constrain,
terpaksa lah tutup dulu cita-cita tu.

Memang ada cara lain,
TPM UiTM,
tapi,
tiada pula subjek "Finance",
so memang tiada rezeki.

Next,
kerja,
di mana?
Sedang aku menjalani latihan praktikal ni,
bosan,
not so my type,
atau mungkin lebih tepat,
so not my type.

Company besar,
banyak level of management,
banyak lapisan,
teruk,
don't like!
Even though pay is high tapi not worth it,
because stress is higher.

Still remember some of conversation between Pak Long and Bang Koi,
bunyi lebih kurang macam ni lah,
"kalau kau rasa stress,
better jangan take that position."
Ayat tu antara yang aku ingat daripada banyak-banyak lagi ayat Pak Long.

So,
what I feel like doing now is,
to do something that I like,
maybe sebelum tu the right sentence should be,
NOT to do something that I don't like.

I don't like working in an environment yang macam ada kasta,
lebih kurang begitu lah,
I know what's in my mind,
I know what I'm thinking.

Tadi just have a talk with someone important in my life,
bincang sikit-sikit,
tanya pendapat,
macam mana,
apa mau buat,
we came to a very drastic conclusion,
and I kind of like it,
walaupun mungkin not the best for me,
tapi for the time being I think it's sufficient.

Atleast I like what I'm going to do later,
need to have a discussion lagi dengan beberapa orang penting,
then baru make a decision.

Well,
one more thing,
berapa lama?
Maybe 6 months,
could be a year,
or more.

Hopefully within a year lah,
then have enough "Kaching" and experience,
baru do that important thing I always wanted to do.

In the mean time,
there will be something else yang akan aku buat juga,
something yang memang aku minat,
hopefully it's going to be fine,
everything is going on the right path,
menuju destinasi yang betul,
yang diharapkan.

Sama-samalah kita doa agar apa yang kita inginkan dapat dicapai,
yang penting sekali _______ <---|We know what is it| (bukan EG k BgMin) Hehe...

Assalammualaikum~
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finally!!!

At last, final exam for my final semester done!
Sekarang tunggu masa untuk latihan industri selama 5 bulan,
from December until April di Petronas Fertilizer Kedah,
tinggal dengan cousin tersayang,
hopefully semua OK lah nanti.

So next step is,
kemas barang-barang,
pack all things up,
BLAH!!!

Tapi sebelum blah enjoy dulu sekejap,
enjoy sikit-sikit lah,
spend time dengan yang tersayang,
then baru jumpa yang tercinta,
then pergi merisik,
barulah pergi Kedah.

Anyways...
New year is not so far away,
2009 is almost habis,
rasa macam baru bulan lepas sambut New Year,
tapi tup-tup Mid-November sudah,
December praktikal,
then masuk tahun baru.

Tahun baru kena ada azam baru?
Boleh lah juga,
azam baru aku sudah ada set dalam kepala,
harap-harap OK lah,
kalau semua berjalan lancar then no problem,
tapi aku tau,
there will be something yang akan menghalang,
bukan physically lah,
just macam orang selalu cakap,
kita merancang tapi Tuhan yang menentukan,
bila rancangan kita tu dihalang,
itu cuma salah satu cubaan dari Tuhan untuk kita lebih matang,
itu yang aku belajar lah selama aku hidup.

Lagi satu sebelum aku end entry kali ni,
satu benda penting yang aku kena buat,
cari journal and article untuk topic internship nanti.
Aduh...
Apa topik aku buat bagus?
Something related to FINANCE.
Ada masa nanti aku fikir-fikir lah,
masa di Pahang mungkin.

Oh,
I'm gonna miss my darlink while I'm in Kedah,
but it should be OK,
boleh jumpa juga everytime balik jumpa advisor.
I'm sure everything's going to be fine, InsyaAllah.
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I feel good!!!

Penat,
letih,
sakit badan,
berat kepala,
otak 'cramp',
macam-macam perasaan sekarang ni.

Penat belajar, membaca, menghafal,
tapi seronok lah juga.

Semangat masih ada,
malas sudah kurang,
infact malas macam sudah hilang.

Bagus sekarang ni,
final year lagi,
rasa OK juga malas tu tiada,
atleast I can concentrate more hoping that I can score.

Anyhow...I feel good...
I don't know why,
something is pushing me towards a good behaviour.
It's good isn't it?
Kalau sebelum ni aku pemalas, macam-macam gaya, begitu begini,
tapi sekarang ni OK sudah,
rasa lega pun ada,
aku rasa macam aku boleh kawal fikiran aku sikit,
boleh kawal otak, mental and spiritual (terbawa-bawa CTU la ni).

Apapun, ada juga rasa takut sikit bila fikir-fikir pasal praktikal nanti,
excited - sudah tentu,
takut - sebab belum pernah lagi berada dalam situasi sebenar bekerja,
lagi-lagi company besar.
Harap-harap aku boleh coop with the environment lah.
I have to walau macamana pun.
Bila lagi mau ubah,
kalau ikut perangai lama, bawa perangai biasa memang hancur lah hidup.
Hopefully aku tabah dengan every (paling kurang pun most of lah) cabaran nanti,
kalau maintain macam sekarang ni mindset bagus juga,
boleh lah hidup tenang, senang, lenang.
InsyaAllah...

So...to wrap all up,
I've come up with this thought,
I want to say to myself and all readers:
The main component to reach for something is SELF MOTIVATION.
Am I right or Am I right?
(kalau susah mau faham)
Kalau mau capai sesuatu, yang paling penting kena ada MOTIVASI DIRI.

Hope we all have the motivation that we need.
Amin...
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Where is the freakin' LOVE?

I have a freakin' feeling every freakin' day.
I have to freakin' face it and deal with it.
I'm so freakin' sad, scared, worried, confused and freak out of course.
Why??? I'm not ready for it.
I don't want it to happen now.
It's just too soon.

Well,
what do I expect?
I'm no good to anyone.
I'm nobody's nobody.
People don't need me.
People still can live without me.
So why the heck should I be in this freakin' world anyway.
I don't do any good.
I don't make people laugh, happy, ease their pain or what knot.

I feel like I'm nothing to nobody,
like I am a black ant living on a black stone where nobody noticed kewujudan aku.

Bila aku fikir balik,
aku ni ada masalah ni.
Apa yang aku merepek?
I'm nobody's nobody?
I'm nothing to nobody?
Apa yang aku inginkan sebenarnya?
Aku perlukan perhatian?
Maybe...
Perhatian apa? Dari siapa?
Aku tau.

Tapi is that what I really want?
What I really need?
Maybe yes, maybe no.
I need to change.
But I can't.
What's good in changing myself?
To be a better me?
Can I really become better?
Better for me or better for people around?
What's the use then?
Freakin' Moron!

I need trust.
I need love.
Yep!
That's what I really need in this freakin' moment.
I got a feeling.
Bukan tonight's gonna be a good night. No.
This feeling is freaky,
and I'm good to say: Where is the freakin' LOVE???
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life is not that interesting anymore

I hate myself for being dumb.
I hate myself for being so helpless.
I hate myself for being an arsehole.
I hate myself for being weak.
I hate myself for being ME.

Ada kawan post cakap " theres nothing better than being comfortable of being yourself, and being the best that you can be! "
but I tell him that I'm not comfortable being myself. How?
Being me is suck ass okay.
There is no fun living my life.
Used to be fun but now it's no more.
Life's just getting harder and harder everyday.
I can't stand to live my life no more.
I'm afraid to die, but even afraid to live.

What should I do?
Exam sudah dekat.
How to concentrate on my study for final exams?
Lucky this semester perasaan malas tu tiada.
Sebab? Mungkin sebab aku belum start study lagi.
Hopefully perasaan malas tu tiada sepanjang final exam nanti.

Anyways...
Teringat zaman-zaman masa di KK.
Zaman-zaman happy tu not making me happy at all.
All the happy memories are just making me tambah sedih and sick.
Again, ada kawan cakap kenangan tu lah yang membuatkan kita jadi diri kita sekarang.
then aku reply, bagi aku kita jadi diri kita sekarang bukan sebab kenangan but sebab masa, keadaan semasa for more precise.
Kenangan dulu are not making us who we are now.
Kenangan is just kenangan.
It can't change anything, it can't even change us.
It got me thinking that, if all the happy kenangan won't make me happy but sad;
should I have more or create more happy memories to be remembered in the future?
Because the happy kenangan will just make me sad and sick and not making me happy at all.
When I think about all the happy memories, aku rasa palat.
Sebab??? Sebab apa yang aku dapat buat cuma ingat...ingat...ingat...
Bukan dapat rasa happy.
Tapi bila ingat ada juga la senyum sendiri sekejap.

Hidup semakin memenatkan.
Aku penat untuk teruskan hidup.
Susah!!!
Life is expensive.
Am I right or am I right?
I know I'm right.
If I can just sell my life and give the money to my mum.
If...If!! Kalau...itu kalau...
Benda pasal kalau-kalau ni jangan la main-main.
Boleh gila kalau fikir pasal "KALAU" ni...
Kalau lagi.
ok stop.

Kalau lah aku punya hidup seperti seorang pilot.
Pilot hidup senang...santai...
Gaji sedap sampai no idea apa mau buat dengan duit yang beribu lemon tu.
Tapi kalau duit melimpah tapi hidup kacau apa guna kan?
Ok la lagi daripada aku yang tiada duit ni.
Lagi la kacau hidup aku.
Can't do nothing without money!
Otak jadi kacau.
Konsentrasi terganggu.
Cfa pun tinggal angan-angan...
Damn!

Anyway...again...
I'm waiting for something special.
Waiting and keep waiting.
I don't know when.
or is it really going to happen?
Only The Almighty GOD knows.
Is it worth it to wait for it?
I mean...berbaloi kah?
Betulkah itu yang aku mau?
Itu yang aku tunggu-tunggu?
It's okay if it's not worth it.
Time will tell.
I'll just move on....If I can.
Sure I can...Can I?
Hell I don't have any idea.
But I believe if it's true...
I'm not going to regret walau sedikit pun.
Sabar menanti, kesabaran diuji.

So......
Now I feel a bit relief.
Thanks to you "Minda Yang Kusut" tempat aku luahkan keserabaian minda.

chow~
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